What was I thinking of? (Now this is frightening)

I do realise that it’s been a while since I posted anything. Yet again. But I meant to. Honestly. And I am not one for making up excuses – well, apologetic excuses that is. But, I do have one. Cognitive difficulties!

Now, there’s a bunch of MS symptoms. Things that patients have to deal with every single day, usually invisible to the naked eye – hence difficult for people to understand, but that’s another story. Hold up, that is something I already wrote about. And that is exactly what I am talking about (in caps this time). COGNITIVE DIFFICULTIES!

So, for the past couple weeks I have possibly overexerted myself. Scratch that, I definitely have. At work, in my social life, doing house chores. And while I knew that this coupled with the extreme heat would take a toll on my health, I still did it. So, right now I am feeling exhausted. Too exhausted to even be productive at work (although admittedly I still am), do anything at home other than embed myself into the sofa and watch pointless TV shows. No energy to do things I enjoy: reading, cooking, gardening, people watching. As time passes I can feel my body weakening, my energy not being replenished.

The worst thing though is that even if physically I am not where I would like to be, I can also feel my cognitive abilities deteriorating. I am having trouble thinking clearly at times, difficulty forming complex – or even simple – sentences, understanding concepts that I should have no problem with, difficulties learning even things that appear to be simple. At times I even have problems reading social cues, holding a decent conversation. Damn it, even writing this post is taking longer than usual. The fog in the blog title.

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And that is purely frightening. Because my body giving up is one thing, but my brain too! Life, I’d like to think, is not defined by one single thing. But physical prowess comes second in a society based on mental interaction and knowledge. Everything else you can have someone else do for you, but thinking, speaking, talking, has to be purely yours.

Now, I know there are people that will tell me I am exaggerating, that things are not as bad as I think they are, that everyone has memory lapses and jumble their words. People actually tell me this all the time. But I have to say, yet again (again in all caps). IT IS NOT THE SAME! Because, you see, other people may experience the same symptoms. Temporarily. MS patients (and other patients with chronic and nervous system illnesses actually) get to experience them ALL THE TIME. We get to feel the situation changing rapidly. At least I do (don’t forget each MS case is unique). And that is something no one else can experience. But they still need to trust me, show understanding, support me.

All is not lost though. Ever since my diagnosis I have not thought for a second of giving up. Not without a fight. Yes, my cognitive abilities may be deteriorating. I recognise that and I accept that – which is the first step to dealing with any problem. Just like I can exercise my body and eat better in order to slow down the corrosion, I can exercise and feed better my brain. Which I guess is what this blog is all about too – working out my brain, no matter how hard it may be. Now all I need to do, since I already seem to have the lather and rinse down, is repeat. Often.

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