What was that word?

CAPACITY!!!!!!!

That was the word I was anxiously looking for the other day during a discussion with some friends. Simple word, common I dare say. And it came to me a good six or seven hours later. Much help it would be at 3 o’clock in the morning. It’s not like I could call anyone – or even text them for that matter – and say “you know that word I was stuck on earlier tonight? Well, it’s…” Besides, I even ran the risk of forgetting what I called for while I was calling. That would be embarrassing, not to mention waking someone up in the early hours of the morning on a school night would be extremely rude.

So I did the next best thing. I reached for my Smartphone (I know, it shouldn’t be next to me while I’m asleep, but that is the least of my worries), and jotted – more like dictated, because even typing is hard these days, a note of the word and a vague blog-post idea. Which, having been half asleep at the time, I spent another day trying to decipher. Thankfully, I managed to do so, so here I am!

My thought process is one of the things most severely affected by my MS. And a hard one to quantify at that. But I keep forgetting words, what I was saying – mid-sentence mind you, what I was doing, my immediate task list (like, open the fridge and get the milk, then go to the spice cabinet and get some sugar). Don’t even get me started on names – if you do not have an unusual but easy to remember through some kind of word association name, it’s out the moment I hear it. Sorry! Driving? Well, I drive to places I have driven to a million times, and even then I might end up somewhere else that I’ve been to in the past, but thankfully close to where I wanted to go. Like my uncle’s house instead of my friend’s home, a mere half a mile away, but still.

For those reasons, and many more that I am sure I can not remember right now, just like I couldn’t remember what it was I wanted to watch and I turned on the TV last night, I am extremely thankful of advances in technology, Smartphones in particular and their integration with other devices such as tablets, computers, voice assistants, lamps. Not just for the easy and convenient access to multimedia in your hand at all times. Or for the myriad of communication options.

pexels - chair-close-up-computer-2343475

Remember that note I dictated from before? Well, my phone is riddled with them. Most, unfortunately, end up unused. Some however are helpful. Primarily notes and reminders on the day-to-day things I need to do. The reminders and calendar functions are also heaven-sent. And voice commands? I feel the urge to thank my smart devices from time to time, as if they were actual living beings (at least I think I will fair well when the machines rise). I really cannot imagine how I could handle the day if I did not have my Smartphone. My house would possibly be riddled with post-its and my pockets lined with random pieces of paper, I can imagine a random notebook and pen “attached” to me (I already have one of those, but more for emotional rather than practical reasons), I would spend countless hours in darkness and silences because I wouldn’t have the energy to get up and turn on the lights or the music. I would, not starve, but at least lose weight because I wouldn’t be able to cook or go to the kitchen and grab the menu so I can order food. I could never go out to shops for say electronics if it were not for online shopping and home delivery.

Which also leads us back to my Smartphone being next to my bed. That is not because I have an addiction to my devices, nor that I “feel the urge” to be connected at all times. While you masy be worried about possible health risks, I am not concerned the least bit. My Smartphone is literally an extension of myself, a necessity if you’d like. So, I will not rid of it. I make sure it is always within arms length. I see it as my lifeline, my connection to an outside world that since my diagnosis has been continuously shrinking.

Next purchase? A smart wearable, preferably with a fall alert.pexels - apple-connection-device-393047

 

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Those who can not do, teach. But it’s not what you think

I’ve spent the past few months, since my contract in the financial sector expired and I decided to reposition my career path but I was unable to do so because my health had been deteriorating, thinking about this phrase. Considering that I am unable to do a lot of things I used to, and what that meant for me personally. After all, everyone wants to be productive members of society, we all want to contribute, to make a difference.

 

The feelings of ineptitude that bubbled up made me feel helpless. So, what did I do? At first I overanalyzed it. And then I felt despair. That feeling that you are worthless, unworthy, even a poser. But then, as I often do, I rationalized the situation. And watched a lot of Netflix in the process, but that is another issue that has a lot to do with my tendency to procrastinate.

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Everybody is an expert

We live in the age of social media. Devouring (and more often than not parroting) an avalanche of information, both good and bad. We have an opinion on everything. We consume reality programming and situational content with more ease than we usually drink water. And we seem to believe anything that pops up on our screens, without ever questioning the credibility of the source, the logic behind what is dished out to us. We have become mindless drones.

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The only thing that you should know, is that you know nothing

Being at risk of relapsing into my former condition of not writing as often as I would like, here go some thoughts. Let me also clarify that the “as often as I would like” part of my sentence above in no way implies a need to write simply because I have to write something, in order to fulfil some egotistical need to speak. It is just an exercise, which I at least believe, will help keep my mind agile.

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